More on gender roles (written February 28)

Today I got my hair braided again (this time with really fun colored fake hair), and while I was getting it done, several people came by and asked me who bought the fake hair for me. I responded that I bought it myself and didn't think anything of it. Afterwards, my friend who was doing the braiding chastised me and said that if that ever happens again, I need to say my husband bought it for me. I asked why, and she said that once a woman gets married here, her husband provides everything for her, and it is respectful and appropriate for her to acknowledge that. I explained that Jacob and I both make money and we share a bank account, so it's really not accurate to say that either of us is buying anything for each other. She completely dismissed that, saying that we are in Africa and I need to be respectful of their culture.

This puts me in quite a difficult situation because I am being told that I am expected to stretch the truth to conform to gender norms I completely don't agree with. We are supposed to integrate and avoid offending people (or making people think Jacob is a bad husband, in this case), but we also are supposed to maintain our American identities and teach Gambians about American culture...how am I supposed to do both here? This particularly concerning to me because it easily could be extended to apply to questions like "who cooked this food," "who did the laundry," "who swept the house," "did you ask your husband's permission before going on your work trip," etc, etc. Am I expected to lie to conform to Gambian gender norms when responding to those questions too?? Where do I draw the line?

On a somewhat related note, one of our friends (the sister of the girl who braided my hair) married her boyfriend a little over a year ago, but he lives a couple hours away and she still lives with her mother, grandmother, sisters, and young brothers (their father lives in Kombo, which is not unusual here). Despite the fact that her parents are relatively progressive, support girls education, let her choose her own husband, etc, she still has to call her husband and ask his permission before leaving her village for any reason. If he says no, she cannot go...non-negotiable. Currently she sees him once every month or two, but soon she will leave to go live with his parents' family in Kombo. Once that happens, she will be basically cut off from her mother/grandmother/sisters/brothers, with the exception of very brief visits for special occasions. She is extremely close to her two sisters that are around her age, and when I asked one of them if/when she would be leaving to go live with her husband's family, it was a visibly painful subject for her.

From my work at CARE, intellectually I already knew a lot about the role of women in many other cultures and logically expected to have to deal with these sorts of challenges during my Peace Corps service, but experiencing these issues on a very personal level with people I care about has given me a very new perspective. I truly empathize and identify with the young women here and their situation tugs on my heartstrings far more than I ever expected it to. It makes me hurt and angry and enraged and frustrated and indignant, to the point of choking up when I try to talk about it. But...changing a culture is extremely extremely difficult and raises a host of moral issues, especially when you bring Islam into the mix, so I haven't figured out yet what, if anything, I can or should do with these emotions.